image via @papayalovin
written by Cheryl Fagan.
Many people find it hard to be fully present in the moment of sex this could be because of the busyness of life, the stressors of life, the state of the relationship, or shame. There are many misconceptions of how sexual desire should present itself and if we don’t have knowledge of the sexual response cycle or awareness of personal subconscious beliefs, we can end up judging ourselves for this. If this resonates with you and you want to feel more present, alert, or engaged during sex – you can. Sex involves our entire being; mind, body, heart, and soul. Mindful sex is the practice of being fully present in the moment without distractions or judgements.
Besides some in the moment tips below, I believe an important part of this process is checking in on your sexual mindset. I would like to suggest:
1. Resourcing yourself on sexual knowledge this can be through books, online courses, or podcast.
2. I would also recommend journaling to help you understand your sexual self-better. Thinking and writing about, what does sex actually mean to you? Where have you experienced any sexual shame? How did that develop? How have you journeyed to healing?
3. Imagine the sex that you would like to be having- what does it feel like, how do you feel after?
4. Release expectations that you, your partner, or even society has put on you about how sex should “look” like. In the West we’ve been taught that sex is performance based, so instead of enjoying pleasure from sex one can find themselves thinking about how good they look or if they are doing it “right” rather than being completely immersed in all the wonderful sensations!
5. Self-love in the form of yoga or baths, take care of your body, take pride in it, enjoy it.
Here are some tips to ground yourself and to be present:
1. Set your intention- go into sex for the pleasure and connection, not a goal. Rather than focusing on “getting each other off”; feel every touch, take in the smells, notice the sound of breathing, taste, look into your partners eyes, immerse yourself in the senses.
2. Focus on breathing – this will help for your mind/body connection. Slowly breathe into your gut and back out, you can count in for four, hold for four, out for four and repeat that.
3. Eliminate distraction by setting up your space for relaxation.
further resources:
Please check out Creating Mindful Sex Practices on my blog written by a friend and colleague for a deeper understanding. Dr Lori Brotto, a Canadian psychologist researcher has done so much work on this topic, check out her book, Better Sex Through Mindfulness.